I have decided to start sending letters to my students as schools are closed as a practice of connection, vulnerability, and reflection. I sent this one out just yesterday, and I thought I’d share with others as well.
Dear students,
Oftentimes a friend jokes with me, “I need an adult!” and I have to remind him, “You are an adult.” He always whines, “Well I need an adultier adult,” and my dears, I am learning how to become an adultier adult right this very moment.
You all know I’m not very old, and it wasn’t so long ago that I was staying up until 2am eating waffle fries in the late night cafe with my friends in college. When I first started teaching four years ago, I wasn’t prepared for much of anything. I didn’t know that I would have to deal with paper airplanes in my ceiling, children drinking out of Hot Cheetos bags (not sure what you had in there but I still don’t want to know), random questions about genitalia, being less interesting than a phone no matter how hard I tried, or occasionally breaking up a fight. I’ve learned how to be ready for a lot of things, like lockdowns and actually have guns or police on campus. Or conversations with young people when they tell me about sexual harassment or assault. But teaching reminds me that I can never be ready for everything, because anything can happen.
I certainly wasn’t ready for a pandemic.
These last few days I have been struggling with my own wellbeing, which is why I’ve delayed on sending too much stuff out. Truth be told, mental health is really hard for me! I struggle a lot without a sense of routine and regularity. It’s incredibly hard for me to get out of bed if I don’t have external motivation, like going to work or meeting up with someone for breakfast. The teacher you see at school is someone who has a lot of wellness practices in place to show up the way I do to work, and big things like this mean a lot of those supports fall apart.
But!
Today I got out of bed by 9.30am, and I consider that a success.
(I’m shooting for 8.30 tomorrow.)
I’m writing you all this letter because I honestly feel more comfortable when I’m writing, and I wanted to let you know where I’m at. I can’t really tell you where the world is at, or where the country or state or city is at. All I can tell you about them is that we don’t have enough tests, all of California’s 40 million residents are now doing shelter-in-place, and the school district is still telling us we’re closed until April 6th.
I’m thinking a lot about you all. I hope you are safe. I hope you have shelter and food and water (and snacks!). I hope you are finding ways to exercise and eat well. I hope you are taking time to reflect and meditate. I hope you are having fun! So much fun. You deserve peace and fun and calm and excitement and love and contemplation. In all those kinds of ways, we learn a lot. And I always want you to be learning.
Feel free to respond with your own letter. Or not. Feel free to fill out that survey. Or not. I’d really love to hear your thoughts on that essay I shared! It’s pretty long but it’s very good, and it will tell you a lot about who I am as a teacher and what’s in my mind when I teach. If you do write me back, that would make me very happy!
I’ll probably do office hours on Zoom next week, most likely in the morning (this is my sneaky way of making sure I don’t stay in bed forever and get sad). If 10am works for people, I will aim for that. We don’t have to “do school,” but we can if you want. Or we can just chat. (But I am your teacher so I will make sure you learn, at least a little bit.)
Remember that the world is full of wonderful people and wonderful things. It is wonderful our city is showing solidarity with our healthcare workers and our elderly and our immunocompromised by staying home. It is wonderful that the weather outside is so clear and lovely — do take a walk and enjoy the outdoors (six feet away from others!).
Remember that happiness does not bring gratitude, but gratitude is what brings happiness. Seriously, science has proven it! So think every day about the things and people that make you truly grateful.
I am very grateful, for all of you.
Abrazos,
Ms. Phan
